At a recent counselling session, I confronted some feelings I knew were there, but I had always accepted them as “normal”.
I’ve talked about it before, but I really struggle with making decisions. More specifically, I worry that they are going to be the wrong decisions.
Choice can feel like my worst enemy sometimes, particularly when the choices affect other people around me. I’m often so hung up on the people around me that I forget or avoid to make choices for myself.
So my counsellor has set me a challenge – to make a decision that best suits me rather than everyone around me… and even coming up with a way to do that is proving harder than I thought. It immediately feels selfish to put myself above others (because isn’t that the definition of selfish?).
But if we always put others before ourselves, we never truly look after ourselves, do we? We’re not living our lives the way we want to because we’re worried that it will be at the detriment of others.
I think another reason why decisions make me feel straight up anxious is because I have become very well acquainted with my comfort zone over the past 28 years of my life. In fact, as memory serves me, deciding to work for myself in September is probably the biggest step I’ve ever taken out of my comfort zone. There may have been more decisions in my past, but this is the most striking.
The next big adventure is my first “active” holiday – and we’re going all out by skiing in Canada! Whilst it’s UBER exciting, it is also completely alien to someone who grew up on sunny holidays lounging by the pool and not doing a whole lot else.
But doing these things, taking on these challenges, it will stop me from getting stuck in a rut. It ensures I don’t spend my life avoiding doing stuff just because it might feel “selfish”, or “scary”. Trying new things, taking risks and putting yourself first sometimes are 100% fundamental to a healthy, happy life and so I am going to embrace my “decision” challenge as much as I can.
Challenging yourself doesn’t have to be running a marathon or giving up chocolate for Lent, it can just be challenging the way you do things. Asking yourself if you’re taking the easy, comfortable route – and every once in a while deciding not to.
So moving forward, I’m going to do my best to keep a note of the decisions I make that go well to remind myself I can make good decisions – especially those that feel like I’m choosing the option that feels unknown…But I also need to remind myself that if things don’t go to “plan”, it’s not the end of the world.
How can you challenge yourself? I’d love to know your thoughts in the comments!